Speaking on Skype to Kevin when I was in Spain was extremely painful. His idea of talking on Skype was turning on the camera but being in another world.
Whenever we skyped, I was always trying to have a conversation with him, but he would always be surfing the internet, reading the news, chatting to other people through WhatsApp or Skype instant messaging (which included other women as I later discovered – Chapter 93) and playing with his magic cards. It was a pain because he would not be listening to me and I would always have to keep repeating myself four or five times.
We skyped between thirty minutes and an hour every day. I asked him so many times if we could just focus on talking with each other for these thirty minutes to an hour, and then he could surf the internet, read the news, play with his cards and talk to other people at any other time. He agreed but he continued with his old ways nevertheless. He did not even show any signs of trying. Words had no meaning to him. I now believe that this behaviour of his was deliberate. He knew I didn’t like it so he would do it some more. Pissing me off gave him thrill and power. He probably also wanted a reaction from me so that he could use it against me. Perhaps he was trying to frame me as nagging and controlling.
We argued because I would have to keep saying the same things over and over again, which I would not have had to do if he ever took my thoughts into consideration. And every time I had to repeat myself about this very simple and reasonable request, I would put myself in the position of getting yelled at. It was also double standards because whenever he had to tell me about my actions twice (for example, the incidents with Maxim in Chapter 10 and at the restaurant in Chapter 5), he would tell me off like a child saying, “I told you once”. Yet, I had told him hundreds of times about his Skype manners but he continued anyway.
I never chatted to others or surfed the internet when I was on Skype with him and I expected the same from him. He even asked me to play my violin to him over Skype and whilst I did, he was chatting to other people. It was great for him because it meant he didn’t have to engage in conversation with me. He would also be constantly texting others while he had lunch or dinner with me, yet he employed manners when he ate with other people and never used his phone with them.
It’s basic manners! If you love someone, you would genuinely want to speak with them and show a genuine interest in speaking with them; not turn on Skype with your partner but chat to someone else. I did not realise that the person someone can claim to love can be the person most disrespected. Only a narcissist is capable of that.
What I also noticed about our Skype chats was that he was always the first to hang up on Skype at the end of a conversation. Of course one person has to always be the first to hang up. But with him, it was so abrupt. He would hang up before I even had the chance to finish saying “bye” – I’d be half way though the word before he would hang up. It’s like he was racing to be the first to hang up to make himself feel empowered. It sounds like a minor issue, but in the context of this relationship and his narcissism, ‘minor’ issues have significant meanings.
Other times, when talking with him was impossible because he would be raising his voice, talking over and interrupting me, or projecting himself, his faults and his responsibilities onto me, I would end up hanging up on him as the conversation would be going nowhere. It was impossible to have rational conversations with him.
Our conversations on Skype were nothing like the conversations of healthy couples. Healthy couples, when they talk to each other both on Skype and in person, would ask, “How was your day?”. With him, it was, “What are you doing?”, “What did you do today?”, in a military tone – like I was reporting to a sergeant. There was no love or warmth in his voice, his facial expressions, nor his actions.
After this “relationship”, I was trying to make him see his actions (which does not work – narcissists don’t see anything wrong with themselves or their actions and would just twist the truth and turn it back onto you). As I was unsuccessfully trying to make him see his actions, I brought up his Skype manners. I said that all I asked for was quality Skype time. He aggressively and intimidatingly responded, “What quality!?” His pathetic explanation this time was that his terrible Skype manners was because he did not want to talk to me as all I did was start arguments. The more I discovered his true self, the more pathetic his excuses began to sound. This was another example of his projecting the blame onto me. Arguments started because it was so difficult to talk to him as his attention was always elsewhere and he was not focusing on our conversations. He had no reason to employ such rude manners with me. He did it because he believed he could. He believed I was his object and that he could do whatever he wanted with me. That was the kind of twisted mentality he had. That was his distorted sense of reality and entitlement. The truth is, I was never his object and he never had any rights to do whatever he wanted with me. Whenever I repeated my request for him to have a respectful conversation with me, he would begin yelling at me and that was how arguments always started.
When he responded that he did not want to employ manners with me on Skype because he did not want to talk to me as all I did was start arguments, at this stage I was beginning to work him out and he was having a lot of difficulty covering up. As a result, he would get angry. He believed that expressing rage was his way of silencing people, and it worked. All throughout the relationship, I was avoiding his outbursts and so sometimes, it was easier to not say anything at all.
That was him. His words never reflected his actions. And whenever I confronted him about this, he would twist the truth and project his faults onto me. Words cannot express his sickness enough.