29. Incident #10: I Slapped Him

Although Kevin was not directly physically abusive towards me, I, on the other hand, had slapped him once. I had just come back to Belgium after five months in Spain and I was completely mentally destroyed from everything he had done to me throughout the entire relationship, particularly throughout the last five months. (I still had not worked out what was happening at this time, in that I had not understood that he was a malignant narcissist.) When I was back in Belgium, all I saw was his lack of appreciation for everything that I had ever done for him. No thank you, no sorry, no concern for the mess that I had gone through. I was still upset that he did not come to help me pack like he said he would. I was still upset from the whole ordeal of moving to Spain, but he just did not care. I had reached breaking point.

Three nights after I had arrived back in Belgium, he went to Anna and Michelle’s (friends and colleagues of his) room to drink and chat until the early hours of the morning. I was so mad. Not because I was jealous, but I was angry at the double standards that he could go to his female friends’ room drinking and chatting in the middle of the night but he would yell at me if I spoke to or spent too much time with certain men.

I sent him some awfully rude text messages. I was not in a healthy state of mind. He had driven me insane. And that was exactly what he wanted so that he could then use it against me. He used my rude text messages against me and showed them to Anna and Michelle to depict me as the crazy one and him as the poor victim.

That night, I also tried to run away but he would not let me go. He ran after me and grabbed me by the arm a few times which left a big bruise on my right arm. I did not notice it until two days later when I went to my mother’s place and that was when she noticed it. I don’t know why he just did not let me go. He was drinking in Anna and Michelle’s room. Why couldn’t he let me do my thing? He just wanted me under his control at all times, but he disguised it as him “caring” for me. He wanted to know where I was at every moment of every day and every night.

Eventually I went back to my room and he went back to Anna and Michelle’s room to continue drinking. I was still so angry at everything. I was not allowed to go out but he was allowed to go back to his little drunk party. So I went to Anna and Michelle’s house and waited downstairs. I really don’t know why. I just know that I was completely mentally destroyed because of him. That sick creature had driven me insane. That was when I completely lost it and went up to him and slapped him in front of Anna and Michelle. I admit slapping him was wrong and I should not have done it. Slapping anybody is wrong. After I had slapped him, I immediately ran back to my room. He came chasing after me into my room. In my room, he was shouting at me at the top of his voice, patronising me, intimidating me, towering over me with his finger in my face and then he gave me the middle finger. I actually think that, despite me slapping him, it was he who came across as the intimidating one.

I felt really bad for slapping him and I apologised to him profusely. He seemed soft and caring. However, later on when I went to see him in the canteen, Anna and Michelle were there and suddenly his persona changed to the poor victim who was scared of me. He did the same thing when I slapped him. After intimidating me, he went back to their room. I followed him but I did not go upstairs. After a few minutes, he came downstairs to calmly talk to me and then I followed him upstairs. As soon as Anna and Michelle were in sight, his persona suddenly changed to the scared victim yelling, “Don’t hit me! Don’t hit me!” It was both confusing and disgusting at the same time. He knew he was putting on an act for them to see; to portray himself as the innocent victim. And of course, I came across as the bad guy. Anna then yelled at me, “Go back to wherever came from”. In the canteen, Anna and Michelle were talking together in Spanish but all I could hear was constant “la puta”, translated as “the bitch” in Spanish. I knew they were referring to me.

I wanted to apologise to Anna and Michelle for bringing the drama into their room. The day after I slapped him, I asked to visit their room so I could apologise. They wanted me to go with Kevin to “avoid any misunderstandings” so I went to their room with Kevin and I apologised. But it did not seem to be enough. They wanted an apology but at the same time, they did not. They took the opportunity to attack me. The way they attacked me was so cruel. I felt that Michelle in particular really took this opportunity to attack and provoke me. She made comments such as, “You and Kevin WERE a couple”. She was stressing the fact that the relationship was finished. What angered me was the fact that she was in no position to make such a judgment, just like she was not in the position to have forced me out of the school (which I will elaborate on). She seemed to believe that she was in a position of great entitlement. I know that if our situations were switched, I would have at least listened to the person who had come to apologise and talk it through. But this was not the case with them.

Anna kept emphasising how she treated me with nothing but kindness in that earlier in the day she said “hello” to me and then she asked if I needed anything from the supermarket. She kept comparing her “kindness” with my behaviour. Her kindness came across to me as phony. I could hear it in the tone of her voice. She made it sound like that I had always had a problem with them, which was not true. I don’t think we had compatible personalities but I never had a real problem with them. Before I left for Spain, Michelle had told me that Anna had told Andrea that she and I did not get along. I don’t know why Anna would have said something like that. I was not close with her but I did not have a problem with her. With Anna and Michelle, if you weren’t their friend then you were their enemy – nothing in between. It seems like she was the one who had the problem with me. Yet every time I tried to tell them that I did not have a problem with them, all of them, including Kevin, would tell me that I was lying.

They continued attacking, attacking, attacking. They kept raising their voices to the point where it was almost shouting. I was in no position to argue and my mental state at the time could not defend myself. So I gave up and abruptly got up and left the room. I tried but I just couldn’t take it anymore. I had also learned at that time that Kevin had shown them all my rude text messages which I had written in my destroyed state of mind.  Every time I envision him sitting on the sofa that time I tried to apologise to Anna and Michelle, I feel so disgusted and so sick. He just sat there, like the poor, pathetic victim. His face – the sad, hurt face. It makes me so sick because I know that it is just one of his many masks. And while Anna and Michelle were attacking me, he did not at any point come to my defence. He just sat there wearing his pathetic victim mask. I had always covered up his abuse (because I did not understand what was happening) and I was always protecting his reputation and defending him. Yet he had never defended me during our time together. It feels like a betrayal. Instead, he was out there to damage me. That was what he got off on.

When I abruptly got up and left Anna and Michelle’s room, I slammed the door behind me as I was leaving. Michelle then came chasing me to my room screaming at me – I couldn’t understand a word she was saying. Kevin followed Michelle and just watched Michelle as she was screaming at my door. He just stood there and watched. I’m certain that if it were me shouting at Michelle, I know he would have stopped me and told me that my behaviour was unacceptable. As I had said earlier, he was always at the defence of others but never at my defence. When I asked Kevin how he could just stand there and watch Michelle screaming her head off at my door, he said that it was my fault because I walked out and slammed the door. I responded that it was because they weren’t trying to solve any issues. They were attacking me and getting very aggressive. His only response was, “Well, you shouldn’t have slammed the door. It was your fault because you slammed the door”. Basically, what he was saying was that Anna and Michelle were entitled to attack me because I had slammed the door even though I had made the effort to apologise. If they wanted to attack me, they had other reasons to – but slamming the door was not one of them. I’m not saying that slamming the door is excusable behaviour, as it is not, but Kevin would use whatever excuse he could to blame me for his actions or anyone else’s actions for that matter. The first time he yelled at me at one month into the relationship, he had slammed the door in my face because he had asked me to come down into his room whenever I was ready but when I did come down, he happened to be on the phone so he told me he was on the phone and slammed the door in my face. Yet, his slamming the door in my face was, to him, excusable behaviour. Everything was interpreted in a way to suit him, to make his behaviours excusable for him, to make his world convenient for him. He seemed to believe that everyone was living in his world. Everything was all about him.

After Michelle had gone, Kevin then came into my room. I was distraught. I said that this relationship was finished to which he was reluctant. Then I said that if he wanted to be with me, his friendship with her had to end. How could he be friends with someone who so vulgarly screams at someone he co-called “loves”? In hindsight, it is so clear that I shouldn’t have even said that. I should have just walked away. If I had known what I now know about covert narcissists, I would have left the relationship a long time ago. However, what made me angry was his response when I said that if he wanted to stay with me, he would have to cut his friendship with her. He told me, “You are not going to control who I can or cannot talk to”. This made me so angry as all throughout the relationship, he was controlling over who I could and could not speak to. The biggest incident was with Maxim when he yelled at me for interacting with him. Eventually, I had to cut myself off from him. Whenever Maxim was around, I would always panic as I knew Kevin was watching my body language. Throughout the relationship, I began to limit my interaction with people so as to not trigger any rage in him.

I experienced severe anxiety and panic attacks after this incident. This lasted for a very long time after the relationship ended, and even as I am writing this, I am experiencing anxiety and panic attacks. This has been my first experience of panic attacks.

I believe that he liked the fact that I slapped him because it really boosted his victim status. He often used it against me and used it to tell everyone what I had done to him and that I was the crazy one. And yes, I had become crazy by that time. After all the mental abuse he put me through, it drove me crazy. Everyone knew that I had slapped him, but no one knew anything about the abuse that I had endured from him.

I was meant to work in Belgium for the summer. But after three days in Belgium, I left for Singapore where my mother lives. I was undecided about whether I should leave or stay. However, Michelle forced me to leave and Kevin stood by her. Neither one of them had any authority over my employment status with the school yet they believed they could make me leave. I argued that I needed a job as I had lost so much money to Kevin because of what he had taken from me both in “loans” and in moving to Spain. Neither one of them cared.

What really shocks me is how easily Anna and Michelle turned their backs against me. These were people I got on with at work. We weren’t friends – our personalities were not compatible. But I could still work with them. This makes me believe that Kevin had been smearing me all throughout the relationship.  It is what people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder do. Their ultimate goal is to destroy you. Uninfluenced people don’t usually turn their backs on other people so easily – especially without hearing the other person’s side of the story first. They kept telling me to put myself into their shoes, which I did. I tried to be as understanding as possible, which was why I went to apologise to them. But did anyone try to put themselves in my shoes? Nobody even wanted to hear anything I had to say.

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