30. Hiding Behind His Fake Morality

Kevin always spoke of how he had such high and strong morals and values. He said he hated men who flirt. Ironically, our relationship began with flirting. All relationships begin with some degree of flirting. Yet he always denied ever flirting in his life. He spoke of how loyal he was, yet he was always hiding his phone and computer, which only made me wonder. He always said how he was not like other men in that he had great respect for women and that he was not a player. He assumed all men are players. He strangely warned me at the very beginning that he was not the type of man to want to have a threesome and that he broke up with an ex-girlfriend of his because she wanted a threesome. (This story turned out to be quite inconsistent which is later explained in Chapter 90.) It was extremely taboo for him, which is very ironic for a narcissist as they have a pile of dirty secrets. It was all for his false self-image. He believed he was the only loyal man out there. He thought so highly of himself as a man. But he wasn’t a man. Far from one. He wasn’t loyal. He had a pile of dirty secrets. I know of countless wonderful men who don’t even compare to the pathetic, little boy he is.

He talked about how he was so generous, selfless and always putting other people first. Yet, I never saw that. He managed to fake it in front of people, but that was only to win their trust. One evening, we were talking about charities. I mentioned how my mother told me not to give to others unless I was financially secure myself first. He then said, with a sickly sympathetic look on his face,

“You see, I could never do that. I’m always thinking about others before me.”

Hearing him say that made me laugh and want to vomit at the same time because he NEVER gave to others! He never thought about others. He only thought about himself and gave to himself. In front of other people, he would come across as so generous. Yet genuinely generous people don’t go around telling people how generous they are. They don’t need to. They SHOW people how generous they are.

He also claimed to be very religious. He was a Christian who always wore a cross around his neck and owned a number of religious artifacts. Yet his actions were conflicting of the faith he claimed to be. Real Christians don’t lie, manipulate, gaslight, steal, rage, nor take financial advantage of their loved ones, or anyone for that matter. He was a fake Christian. His only gain from pretending to be a Christian was the impression he was giving the world of being a man of morals. The truth is, he has no morals. A true Christian would never abuse his girlfriend. A true Christian would not and need not hide behind a mask.

Kevin also often reassured me that he was not the “abusive type”. It was very strange every time he did it because it’s not usual for people to go around reassuring others that they are not the “abusive type”. I find it quite chilling every time I think back at all the times he “reassured” me. It’s like he knew exactly what he was. For example, one time I told him that I was going to Skype a friend, and his response was, “Of course! I’m not the type of person who would stop you from talking to your friends”. The irony is that he was always controlling over who I spoke to, what I said and what I did all the time. He didn’t even like my friends and accused me of sleeping with them without having met them (Chapter 13). Another time through text messaging (during the love bombing phase), he had made a correct prediction about a student of his not turning up and I joked to him that he was psychic. However, he responded, “I’m not a PSYCHO though. I swear!” I find this very chilling and creepy in hindsight. He must have known that he was a psychopath for him to randomly divert from psychic to psycho. Only abusive people have to reassure to others that they are not abusive.

He was always hiding. He was hiding behind a mask. He was hiding behind other people that he had convinced of his false self. He was hiding behind me. He was a pathetic coward.

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