39. Incident #12: His Cigarettes

Kevin said he wanted to try to quit smoking which I was happy about as I was concerned for his health whenever I saw the number of cigarettes he would smoke per day – about 25. I was also sick of having to breathe in his second hand smoke whenever I was around him. However, he never cared about me breathing in his smoke. He never cared about me – full-stop.

In attempt for him to cut down on his smoking, he gave me his cigarettes and I was to limit his cigarette intake to 10 per day. At the beginning, he found it difficult. Then all of a sudden, he somehow was not craving cigarettes anymore. Knowing him, I found that a bit strange until one day I found out he had been hiding a pack of cigarettes in the bathroom all along. I was really upset that he had lied to me. I could understand that quitting was difficult but I could not accept that he had lied to me. When I made the discovery, he had a stupid grin on his face. He thought it was funny whereas I was really upset that he had lied. I left the room. I know that if the tables were turned, he would have got angry at me for lying.

Later on, I told him that it was the lying that I found unacceptable. He apologised but it did not feel sincere. I don’t think he cared that his lying had upset me. He probably got off from it. Then he told me that he had only ever lied to me three times (which that in itself is a lie!). He only said that to make himself sound sincere, to make it sound like he was admitting to something – but he did not know how to sound sincere, no matter how hard he tried. He was on the computer whilst “sincerely” apologising at the computer screen. He was actually a terrible liar and yet I would still force myself to believe him just so that he would not start losing his temper. And he knew this worked. If he did not lose his temper, he would only make stupid, poor, inconsistent excuses for his behaviour, which was only digging him a deeper hole. Yet, he would still get away with it. He would keep persistently bullshitting until I gave in. Under no conditions would he ever admit to the truth, no matter how petty it was. He thrived off lying. It empowered him knowing that he could lie and still get away with it, no matter how stupid it made him look.

The cigarettes was one of the three times he claimed to lie to me. The other one was about him going to Michelle’s room to talk about me and I can’t remember what the third one was. Nevertheless, they were all petty lies. He would not have admitted to anything major. In the second one, he said that he lied to me because he secretly went to Michelle’s room to talk about me as I was being cold. I don’t know whether this was true or whether he had told me this to gaslight me some more and bring down my self-confidence and condition me to behave in a way he wanted.

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