43. Rumours I Had Never Heard Of

I have previously explained this topic in this journal, but I will explain it again as I believe this is a good demonstration of his gaslighting and triangulation. The night that Kevin yelled at me because I was not waiting at the door for him when he had come back from France, I left the house and went to confide in Andrea and told her everything (Chapter 4). He found out as he had come out looking for me. A few days later he told me that there were rumours spreading about the state of our relationship. The first thing that came to mind was that Andrea had told people about what had happened that night. I felt bad as I did not want to make him look bad. I even apologised to him for telling Andrea. That was when I began to distance myself from her. Now when I look back at this and the many other things that had happened in this relationship, I don’t think that she was spreading rumours. I had never heard any of these rumours myself and I started to wonder whether he was just making these things up to make me feel bad for confiding in someone else. I believe he wanted to make me feel that I could not trust anyone else so that I could keep his abuse a secret.

If I did something he did not like such as talking to another man or expressing my own opinion about something, he would tell me how people would come to him complaining to him about the way I acted and that it was unacceptable. Even right up to the beginning of the relationship when he would tell me that I was not showing him affection and I was being cold, he was already gaslighting me. I thought everything was going fine. I thought I was showing him affection and I did not believe I was being cold. Now that I understand more about narcissistic abuse, I believe he was calling me cold so that I could show him more affection and more attachment more quickly so that he could have me under his control faster. He also told me how people also found me so cold. I was private but I would not describe myself as cold. He would say that he found me cold and unaffectionate when in fact he was the one being cold and unaffectionate but projecting it back on to me. He was triangulating me by saying that the people around him had the same views as him which I believe is completely untrue. Consequently, I lost a lot of confidence. I was afraid that my actions were constantly upsetting the people around me. I was afraid to be myself. Simultaneously, he would imply that he was receiving a lot of compliments relating to his good character from everyone. Now I realise that I was not doing anything wrong. He was messing with my mind because he did not like me being an independent woman. He was so insecure that he believed that his only solution was to isolate me. He had to bring me down and talk himself up just to make himself feel better.

He also told me that some of the teachers had complained to him about me because I had said that I was complaining that I was not getting enough work hours and that I should be getting the hours that other teachers were getting because I am a native English speaker. Firstly, I absolutely did not say that. I have always strongly believed that a native speaker does not necessarily make a good teacher and that non-native speakers can have an advantage as they have the ability to understand the difficulties many students encounter when learning the English language. My views are very strong on this and I am 100% certain that I did not say this. He even said that he was present when I made this statement. I told him that I had no memory of it and then he accused me of having selective memory when in fact he was the one with the selective memory but he was just projecting himself onto me again. He persisted and I resisted and eventually he gave up convincing. I was lucky as I almost gave in to his gaslighting again. I did begin to doubt myself but I was lucky I persisted to resist.

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