44. Always Trying To Find Out What I Was Thinking About

Right from the very beginning of the relationship, the most frequent question Kevin constantly asked me every day was “What are you thinking about?” Sometimes I would be thinking about nothing, which I personally believe that being able to clear your mind and think about nothing is quite a healthy thing to do. However, Kevin could not accept the fact that I was able to think about nothing. He would start panicking and raising his voice. He would insist that I was thinking about something but that I was hiding things from him. He was extremely insecure. And sometimes I was thinking about things but I did not necessarily want to tell him, especially when my thoughts were, “What a pathetic, little boy” and “How the hell did I get myself into this fucked up relationship!?”

While I was in Spain, we were discussing over Skype how these days life can be difficult to get by. I then told him in a joking tone that when I was at university, I read an article about how many students resorted to escorting to get by and that I considered doing the same. Immediately, his face changed and he started interrogating and grilling me about it. I really did have this thought whilst I was at university but it was nothing more than a thought triggered by the article I had read. It isn’t criminal to think. Yet, he was furious because I had a thought. Everyone has the right to the freedom to think about whatever they want. Yet with Kevin, he wanted to control what I could and could not think about, including my thoughts from the past.

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