47. Secrets

Throughout the entire relationship, Kevin was always hiding things from me – but I never found out what he was hiding. When he was on the computer, particularly when he had his email screen up, he would turn the computer screen away from me or rest his head against his arm that was on the table whilst using his arms to block the screen. It was very obvious that he was hiding something.

When we had our Skype interviews for the school in Spain together, when it came to ending the interview, instead of pressing the red “hang up” button, he would directly sign out. I feel like he did this because he did not want me to see his Skype contact list. Perhaps there were certain people on there he did not want me to know of. I would not be surprised if he was chatting to other women online as he always needed time in his room to be on the computer alone. Either that or he was a porn addict. Or both. When I asked him why he always directly signed out rather than pressing the “hang up” button, he said that it was what he always did. I don’t believe that one bit.

Whenever he was on his phone, he would tilt his phone to the side so that I couldn’t see his screen whenever I was next to him. Whenever I confronted him about this very obvious and strange behaviour, he would give me different responses. Sometimes he would deny even doing it (gaslighting). Other times, he would say that that was just the way he “naturally” held his phone, which was complete and utter bullshit because he only did it whenever I was next to him. The way he would tilt his screen looked extremely unnatural and uncomfortable. When I was not next to him, he would hold his phone normally. Another excuse he would use whenever I confronted him about hiding his phone was that it was because his parents never gave him any privacy when he was a child. This was another pathetic excuse used to garner more sympathy because he was always the poor victim. He was always speaking of his childhood in a way that put himself in the poor victim spotlight.

I respect people’s privacies but I question when I see someone so obviously hiding something from me. On the other hand, he always looked over my shoulder to see what I was doing on my phone, which I did not have a problem with as I had nothing to hide. How I wish I did not allow him that privilege.

Also, every evening he needed two hours where he would lock himself in his room. At the beginning, he said that he had to do “admin stuff”… but he did not have that much admin stuff and when he did, he never did it! I was not happy that we were never spending evenings together and when I told him how I felt, he changed his reasoning to that he had to teach on Skype for two hours every evening. He said this to make it seem like a permanent part of his nightly routine and that there was nothing that could be done about it. I don’t know how much of this was true as he was a pathological liar. Nevertheless, he did not care whenever I expressed how I felt. All I wanted was for us to be able to spend some evenings together like couples do. We would finish work, have dinner, spend the evenings in our separate rooms for two hours then it would be bedtime. We rarely spent our evenings together and we were living in the same house!

He told me many times that when we have our own place together, he would need his own “office”. I believe this “office” would have been his secret room.

He would also need to go to the toilet between five and ten times a day (to do a number two) and every time he needed to go to the toilet, he would tell me to go to my room. I’ve always told him that it is not normal to go to the toilet for that reason that many times a day and that he should see a doctor about it but would ignore me as usual. Now when I think about it, I question what he was really doing since everything he told me has been a lie.

Why bother having a girlfriend when it’s such an inconvenience hiding a double life from? It must have been exhausting keeping secrets. I was nothing more than supply.

Ironically, since the beginning of the relationship, he had always accused me of not being clear and open with him, even though I had been. Perhaps this was his way to get me to reveal everything about myself which he could then use against me. The hypocrisy was that he was the one hiding things, not me. I will explain this more when I talk about projection (Chapter 51).

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