53. Nothing Was Ever His Fault

The purpose of Kevin’s projection was that so he did not have to take on any of the blame or responsibilities for his actions. Whenever he lost his temper with me, sometimes it was for no reason whatsoever and at other times it would be because I raised an issue with him about his behaviour, or I retaliated. He hated it when I stood up for myself. His dream woman would be someone submissive who would agree with his every word. Yet it was so confusing as he always said that he loved me. I cannot understand how anyone can get impatient and lose their temper with someone that they claim to love. Now I’ve learnt that these people are incapable of feeling love. They try to mimic the way people feel love so that they can get what they want. It is all about them.

Not only did Kevin get impatient and lose his temper with me, he also became very patronising. He made me cry so much and never comforted me either. Rather, he would blame me for everything. The state of him was my fault. The state of our relationship was my fault. All his problems were always my fault. Every time I told him how I felt, he would yell at me, twist the situation around and make it about how he felt and how my feelings did not matter.

The time I went to Anna and Michelle’s room to try to apologise and I ended up walking out because they really were just taking the opportunity to attack me, I slammed the door behind me as I was leaving (Chapter 29). Michelle then came chasing me to my room screaming at me – I couldn’t understand a word she was saying. Kevin followed Michelle and just watched Michelle as she was screaming at my door. He just stood there and watched. Whereas if it were me shouting at Michelle, he would have stopped me and told me that my behaviour was unacceptable. As I had previously said, he was always at the defence of others but never at my defence. When I asked Kevin how he could just stand there and watch Michelle screaming her head off at my door, he said that it was my fault because I walked out and slammed the door. I said that it was because they weren’t trying to solve the issues. They were attacking me and getting very aggressive. His only response was, “Well, you shouldn’t have slammed the door. It was your fault because you slammed the door”. Basically, what he was saying was that Anna and Michelle were entitled to attack me because I had slammed the door even though I had made the effort to apologise. If they wanted to attack me, they had other reasons to – but slamming the door was not one of them. I’m not saying that slamming the door is excusable behaviour, as it is not. But Kevin would use whatever excuse he could to blame me for his actions or anyone else’s actions for that matter. The first time he yelled at me at one month into the relationship, he had slammed the door in my face because he had asked me to come down into his room whenever I was ready but when I did come down, he happened to be on the phone so he told me he was on the phone and slammed the door in my face. Yet, his slamming the door in my face was, to him, excusable behaviour. Everything was interpreted in a way to suit him, to make his behaviour excusable for him, to make his world convenient for him. He seemed to believe that everyone was living in his world. Everything was all about him.

After that incident, I decided to leave Belgium for Singapore (partly because I was forced to by Michelle, Anna and Kevin who technically had no right to force me to leave my job, especially as I had already lost so much because of all the “loans” I gave to Kevin and the moving I did for him. Yet, Michelle and Kevin in particular seemed to think that they had some special position of power in the school to make authoritative decisions when in fact they were in no such position whatsoever and had no right at all to force anyone to leave their job.). Nevertheless, when I explained to Kevin as I was about to leave for Singapore how much all this moving was costing me, he said, “Well, you would have had to move anyway”. No – I would have not had to move anyway. If I hadn’t had gone to Spain, my plan was to move to Stockholm for university in September but I did not because Kevin blew a fuse at the thought of me going back to university. Yet he was saying that I would have had to move for university anyway when he did not want me going back to university. Furthermore, the cost of moving to Stockholm would have been considerably cheaper than the cost of moving to Singapore. He would use whatever he could to not take responsibility and blame everything onto me no matter how contradictory it was. He said the same thing when he said that he was not going to move to Spain. He said that I was going to go back to university in September anyway. The thought of me going back to university hurt him so much yet he would use it against me whenever it was convenient. By that time, I had already decided to not go back to university just yet as I had moved to Spain instead and he kept telling me that going back to university to do a Master’s degree was the selfish thing to do. And if I went back to university, renting an apartment would be too expensive for him to do alone. How much more fucking selfish, oblivious and ignorant could he possibly get!? I was in Spain alone paying rent and bills on a part-time salary and he couldn’t give a shit about any of it. Yet he was unwilling to pay rent and bills alone. He would use whatever excuse he could use for his own convenience, no matter how contradictory it came across. He was a completely sick and utterly selfish little person.

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