Every time I tried to explain my views to Kevin, he would say that my views were distorted. He did not even try to understand. With a normal person, when you try to explain your views, he or she will try to listen, understand and work out a solution; and vice versa. With him, my views never mattered. He did not care. All he cared about was himself. Everything had to benefit him, no one else but him.
Whenever I tried to talk to him constructively about his behaviour, not only would he get angry at me and accuse me of trying to start a fight, but some of the words he would say to me included,
“Wow! I can’t believe you would say something like that about me.”
“You make me sound like a monster.”
“I’m really afraid of you.”
“Pfff.” (And laugh as if I were being ridiculous.)
These reactions all generated guilt and self-doubt in me. It made me feel like I was misinterpreting him and that I was wrongly accusing him when in fact, it was all gaslighting and projection. He said that I made him sound like a monster. Well, that was because he was in fact a fucking monster. He would accuse me of lying and inventing when in fact he was the one lying and inventing all the time. He only knew how to project actions he was familiar with and that was exactly what he did with me. Then he would say that I had selective hearing when he was the one with the selective hearing.
When I described his own character to him, he would not bother listening. He would just say that I was insulting him and that I just loved insulting him, as if I thrived off it. In fact, I was trying to get him to understand how he came across as and how his actions made me feel. But he did not want to hear anything that would hold him responsible for his actions and so he would just deflect it all as insults. His projections made it impossible to rationalise with him. I have now learned that rationalising with narcissists is physically impossible because these people are irrational people. It’s not even worth trying to rationalise with them as they will just twist, project and guilt-trip you – whatever they can do to not be held accountable. The only way to deal with them is to walk away and not feed them anymore supply.
He kept saying that everything I was saying about him were frivolous accusations when I was just saying things as they were. One time, he even said.
“More made up lies. What will you be accusing me of next? Rape?”
Explaining to him the truth never worked. He never acknowledged it.
Because sometimes it was just so impossible to talk with him, let alone rationalise with him, I would just leave the room, especially when he began losing his temper with me. As soon as I left, he would send me patronising text messages saying “stop hiding” or “stop running away from your problems”. I would text back that I was not hiding nor running away and that I was just removing myself from this unpleasant situation. He would continue texting me back saying that I was hiding behind my screen. He would continue with these patronising text messages. He was trying to get a reaction out of me. Any reaction. He would tell me exactly why I left even though it was contrary to the real reason why I left, yet he still managed to make me doubt myself. This was another form of his gaslighting. And the irony is that at the beginning of the relationship, he was the one always hiding behind his screen, even though we were living in the same house. That was how he often communicated with me. And even throughout the relationship, he continued to hide behind his screen in various situations.
Sometimes when the arguments got so bad, I would leave the house to sleep somewhere else. One of the times I did this, I was on duty for the kids that were boarding during the summer break. I left when I was sure all the kids were sleeping. However, the text abuse continued and he was trying to get me to come back to the house. He was still upset about my interaction with Maxim (Chapter 10) and also for not meeting him at the door when he got back from France (Chapter 2). He then told me that the kids were misbehaving upstairs. I went back to check but they were all sound asleep. He was so manipulative. He needed to know where I was at all times so that he could constantly have me under his control. How far could I have possibly gone anyway? I was in a remote village with limited transport and I did not have any form of transport of my own. After checking up on the kids, I left the house again. I couldn’t deal with being in the same house as him.
He would use everything he could to make it impossible to rationalise with him, to drive me crazy: projection, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, lies, rage, control – whatever he could, no matter how irrational it came across as, he would use it.