62. Following Him Around School

Even at work I was following Kevin around like a little puppy. Literally. He would always walk in front and I would follow a few steps behind. We never walked side by side. Now I see how narcissistic it was. He believed everything revolved around him and that everything should follow him. He believed he was superior and entitled. But nothing about him is superior nor entitled.

At the beginning, whenever I had finished lunch, I would leave the table. I was not leaving him alone – he would still be talking with other colleagues too. However, whenever I did that, he got angry at me afterwards in private saying that that was not what couples do, that couples should wait for each other to finish their meals and that our colleagues had questioned my rudeness. Looking back, I don’t believe our colleagues had questioned my rudeness. I believe that that was just more of his gaslighting and triangulating. After getting angry with me a few times, I eventually always stayed at the table waiting for him to finish his meal and to have a cigarette. This was completely pointless because after every lunch without fail, he always needed to go to the toilet to do a number two which he did not want me around for and would therefore send me to my room. So basically I would be waiting for him to finish his lunch just to be sent to my room because he needed to do a number two. He only wanted me to give him my time and my attention because it made him look good in front of people. He wanted people to see that I was always following him around. It gave him the attention he wanted but I think he could have also used it in the smear campaign against me in that he could have twisted it around to make it seem like I was always following him around and controlling him and that I did not give him any space. I don’t know if he ever used that in the smear campaign, but he could have and maybe it was his intention.

When Tamara was around, he would have long conversations with her in the canteen in the evenings. It did not bother me, but it reminded me of the double standards used when I was not even allowed to introduce myself to Maxim in his first week of work. Sometimes, he would send me a text to come to the canteen whilst he was talking to Tamara. I would come but I did not understand a lot of the conversation at the time as it was in French so I would sit there and just watch them have a conversation. He would ignore me. I don’t even know why he even bothered texting me to come to the canteen if he just wanted me to watch their conversation. I don’t know whether he felt entitled and empowered by doing that, or he wanted me under his watch at all times, or whether he was trying to provoke me, or all of the above. Nevertheless, I never reacted. It wasn’t something I thought too much about until now, now that I am piecing everything together. Perhaps he was also doing that to support his smear campaign to prove “evidence” that I was always watching him and not giving him any space. I know that he was capable of projecting that onto me because that was exactly what he always did.

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