65. Insecurities

It was obvious from the beginning of the relationship that Kevin was the extremely insecure type. From him questioning my feelings for him two weeks into the relationship to his extreme jealousy. He would either completely outright lie or strongly exaggerate a piece of fact. He lied about other men in attempt to make me not interested in them. He told me that Maxim was married when he yelled at me for talking to him (Chapter 10). He may or may not have been married – I don’t know. And it also did not matter! I only ever saw Maxim as a colleague. But I question how Kevin would know that Maxim was married when he had never spoken to Maxim and had no interest in speaking to him. I believe Kevin was just making this up as he was that insecure about my interaction with Maxim.

Early on in the relationship, he asked me about my past boyfriends so I told him what he wanted to know, despite not being very keen as I find it quite pointless when we should be focusing on the present relationship. A few weeks later, out of the blue, he decided to bring up my past boyfriends because I had been in a relationship with a couple of them for about three years each. He started to panic because he thought that I had been engaged to them. I said that I had never been engaged before but he found that quite hard to understand. He asked me why I had been in these relationships for so long and had not been engaged. I did not know how to answer that question. I did not think engagement was a requirement after a certain amount of time. To me, marriage is supposed to come whenever it feels right. It is not meant to be a timed concept. I told him that with one of my past boyfriends, we did not get engaged because we were both students and we were in no position to get married. And with my other past boyfriend, it just was not the right time. It really took a lot of convincing to persuade Kevin that I had not been engaged. And even if I had been engaged, would it have been a problem? Kevin claimed to have been engaged before, so why was it such an important issue?

About two months into the relationship, we were having a chat. He was in his extremely insecure mood again and he kept asking me whether I had considered leaving the relationship. I did not want to answer the question because I knew that if I did, he would freak out. However, he kept persisting and the more I avoided answering the question, the more panicky he became. So eventually I gave in and I said that yes I did consider leaving him after he raged at me for the first time one month into the relationship because it was something that really shocked me and I had never experienced something like that before and nor was it something that was acceptable for me. And as soon as I said that, he freak out just as I had anticipated. He began raising his voice all panicked questioning how I could have even considered leaving him and that if I truly loved him, leaving him would not have even crossed my mind. In hindsight, I think he was trying to find out how much control he had over me and panicked when he discovered that he did not have as much control as he had wanted. However, his reaction made me afraid to speak the truth in fear of upsetting him, and that essentially is also control.

He even portrayed Anna’s boyfriend, Jacob, as a player and a cheater saying that before I had arrived at the school, he was chasing after all the women and cheated on Anna. I don’t know if this was true as I never saw this side to Jacob. Kevin said that as soon as I had arrived, Jacob had become a new person. What a coincidence…? Or was this just Kevin being insecure?

While I was in Spain, I went to Barcelona for a weekend. Once I had arrived in Barcelona, he tried to call me. I did not answer because it was too crowded and too noisy and I also just did not feel like talking to him as by that time, I had recognised that speaking to him just made me feel miserable and drained. But I made sure that I would call him back when it was a better time. However, before I had the opportunity to do so, he was texting me non-stop questioning where I was and what I was doing. The texts came across as panicky and he accused me of being with somebody whom I was not telling him about. The fact that he could assume something like that without any reason to showed his extreme insecurity.

Every time I freshly waxed my legs, he would always ask me who I was waxing them for! The same happened whenever I put on more makeup than usual. I don’t wax my legs or wear makeup for anybody; I do it for myself because it makes me feel comfortable. But he always assumed that I was doing these things for someone and that someone was always anyone other than him.

After I had left for Singapore (just before we had broken up for the final time), Kevin told me that an old teacher had come back to the school just to teach for the summer called Joshua. I asked Kevin what he was like and Kevin described to me what he physically looked like. He described Joshua as short, overweight, in his fifties and an alcoholic. It’s quite ironic as that actually describes Kevin himself (minus the alcoholic part). (And even though Kevin was 36 at the time, he looked quite old for his age. I believe it was all the unnecessary stress he had done to himself.) A few weeks later, as I was browsing Facebook I noticed a colleague, Marilyn, had shared a post by Joshua so I had a look at his profile. He was nothing as Kevin had described! From his pictures, Joshua was tall, slim, probably in his late thirties or early forties, he looked very sporty and did not appear to be an alcoholic. This was really shocking as that to me was tangible evidence of Kevin’s insecurities hitting me right there in my face. I felt disgusted that Kevin was that insecure that he had to describe somebody as completely the opposite to make himself feel better. And the funniest part was that he had to describe Joshua almost as he would describe himself. This went to show just how low he really thought about himself, despite the false self-image that he was projecting to the public. Well, the truth is he really was as low as he thought of himself. Someone who has to bring down others to make himself feel good is truly low.

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