66. Criticising Me

Kevin was always critical of me both in my physical appearance and my personality. Yet he would twist it around and accuse me of always being critical of him. And sometimes I was – but that was when I tried to describe to him how he made me feel, hoping he could reflect on himself. Instead, all he would say that I was critical of him. He could not handle any form of fault. That’s how much of a coward he was.

He never complimented me – physically nor in my personality. Yet he complained that I never complimented him. Even at the beginning of the relationship when I complimented him a lot, he still complained that he never received compliments from me. As the relationship progressed, I did eventually stop giving him compliments because there was nothing about him to compliment. Not only did he never give me compliments, but he would compliment others to me, and it felt like he was doing it in an intentionally malicious way. It felt like he was trying to get a jealous reaction out of me. Knowing him and his sickness and how he wanted to destroy my life, that probably was his intention.

In terms of my physical appearance, I never once received compliments. Not even at the start of the relationship. He even hated it when other people complimented me. I told him when I was in Spain that a man had come up to me and complimented my face and Kevin got angry at that. Not only did he not like me receiving compliments from anyone including himself, he also had to criticise every aspect of me. He would say that my hair was not long enough, my nails were not long enough, I was fat, my boobs were too big, and my legs were hairy (even though I waxed them!). That goes to show just how insecure he was. He always had to bring me down just to make himself feel better. He would also call other women beautiful to me just to make me feel bad about myself. It was not him describing other women as beautiful that bothered me. What bothered me was that he never called me beautiful and on top of that, he was always critical of my physical appearance no matter how I looked. In hindsight as write this, I realise that I am happy and comfortable with myself. I don’t dress up to anyone’s expectations but my own, and nor do I care about anyone else’s expectations.

On one occasion when we were Skyping, I had put flowers in my hair. He was busy reading the news or something and I tried to draw his attention to my hair. As soon as he saw the flowers in my hair, his immediate reactions was,

“Oh my god! Ewww, that’s disgusting. Don’t ever put flowers in your hair again.”

I was extremely hurt. I really thought I looked terrible with flowers in my hair. What sort of boyfriend says something like that to his girlfriend? Only a sick, insecure creature would do that. It brought my self-esteem down even more on top of all the other psychological abuse and gaslighting he was doing to me.

On another occasion, I had showed him a graduation photo of mine. In the photo, I was carrying my graduation soft toy dog. It was something that my friends had got me as a graduation present. His immediate reaction was, “How cheap”. He just could not say anything nice to me. He had to say something negative about me just to make himself feel better. I think he said that, not just because he needed to boost his ego, but also because he did not like my friends even though he had never met them because he assumed they were all men. He did not like me having friends. It also emphasised more his materialistic side. He loved stuff, but he did not care for the meaning behind them.

When it came to my personal ways of doing things, he would criticise them too. He would find whatever he could to criticise me. After work I always went straight back to my room. It was just what I did. It was my way of separating my personal life from my professional life. It way my way of relaxing. Yet he criticised me for doing that. He was the opposite. He loved to stick around after work to talk to people, impressing them with his false self and sticking his nose into other people’s businesses. Nevertheless, neither his way nor my way were right nor wrong. They were just personal preferences yet he always had to impose his ways onto me and criticise my ways. I think he always wanted me by his side, following him around at all times, under his watch at all times.

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