The shit that came out of Kevin’s mouth was one thing. His actions were another. Constantly. His words had no meaning whatsoever throughout this relationship. I felt disappointment after disappointment after disappointment, and he just did not care.
It could be anything from as small as agreeing to Skype with me at 6 o’clock and then deciding he was going to go shopping last minute, to deciding not to come to Spain in March 2016 or even in June when he said he would (Chapters 21 and 26).
That time he decided to go shopping last minute when we had agreed to Skype, I got upset with him. I told him that he needed to stick to his words. I was already waiting for him at 6 o’clock. My time did not revolve around his, but he seemed to believe it did. I was upset also because this was a regular occurrence. But when I told him that he needed to stick to his words, instead he got angry at me for being controlling and telling him what to do. However, he was the one always telling me what to do and how to act. I probably did eventually come across as controlling, but this was because I was constantly having to repeat myself again and again. I felt like I was nagging him – and I was. But if he actually stuck to his words, I would not keep feeling disappointment and therefore I would not have sounded like I was always nagging. He believed he was entitled to get whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it. In reality, he was far from entitled. He thought that by showing anger, he could get whatever he wanted, like a spoilt toddler. No, he couldn’t. Who the hell does he think he is? He believed the world revolved around him. It does not. Nothing and nobody revolves around him.
When I left for Spain in January 2016, I left at about 6 o’clock in the morning. He told me that he did not want to wait with me at the bus stop, let alone take me to Luxembourg Airport, because he could not handle goodbyes. In hindsight, he just wanted to stay in bed. He was bloody lazy. Narcissists will never do anything for anyone unless it is for their own benefit. He couldn’t give a shit that I was leaving. And he was a terrible actor. He was terrible at pretending to be sad.
After leaving Spain and returning to Belgium in June 2016, he reluctantly came to Brussels Airport to pick me up. I had a large suitcase with broken wheels, a small suitcase, my bedsheets, my violin and my backpack. As soon as I came out of the departure hall, he could see that I was struggling with my bags – I almost dropped my big suitcase as my hands were numb. So, as a selfish narcissist as he was, he decided to help me with my small suitcase which weighed nothing. I was struggling so much and I could not feel my arms anymore that I had to ask him to help me with my large suitcase for a while so he reluctantly took my large suitcase. During the entire three minutes it took him to drag my large suitcase to the car, he was complaining about how heavy it was. I was speechless. I had to carry all my luggage on my own from a tiny town in Spain to Belgium and he couldn’t even carry it for three minutes to the car. I moved all the way to Spain for him for nothing and he couldn’t even help me carry my suitcase for three minutes to the car without complaining. He never thought about anyone but himself. What a useless piece of shit.
There were a few times when he suggested we go for couples therapy. By that time, I did not feel like it as I knew that couples therapy was only for those who really wanted to make the relationship work from both parties whereas I had had enough. I had no energy left and no passion for him or the relationship. I asked myself, “Do you really want to continue with a sick man like him?” and my immediate answer was an unhesitant “No”. But I never told him that. Then I asked myself that if I did not want to be with him anymore, why was I finding it so difficult to leave? Now that I have educated myself so much about narcissistic abuse and domestic abuse in general, I realise that what I was going through is called traumatic bonding (Chapter 94). In hindsight, now that I realise how meaningless his words were, I doubt that he himself had any intention to go to couples therapy. If he really did have the intention, he would have acted on it.
Because his words were completely meaningless, he was therefore incredibly unreliable. But only to me. To other people, he would never let them down. He was always there for everyone else. But to me, he was so used to saying things without any intention of doing them that it became the norm. He was a pathological liar, but to him it was never a problem.