70. Negative, Always Complaining And Always Stressed

Kevin was a miserable person. Yet, no matter how hard I tried, I could never make him happy. I felt that deep down inside, he truly wanted to be miserable so that he could portray himself as the poor victim, and garner sympathy and attention. No matter how much I tried to project my happiness onto him, he would instead project his miseries and burdens back onto me. I felt his burdens and I felt really bad for him. I always came out feeling emotionally drained. And whenever I was around him, particularly when I was alone with him, there was always this negative ambience around him. And often, this negative ambience would result in a temper eruption. This is called ambience abuse.

Right from the beginning of the relationship, every time I asked him how he was, his answer was always the same: “Dead” – meaning he was dead tired. I got sick of hearing this everyday so eventually I stopped asking how he was. However, I did not need to stop asking him how he was as he would tell me regardless, “I’m dead”. Sometimes he would ask me how I was, not because he was interested in how I was in anyway, but because this gave him the opportunity afterwards to say how he was. And it was always the same, “I’m dead”. Everything always related back to him unless it was about taking responsibility for his actions, which he never did. Not once did he ever say he was fine whenever I asked him how he was. He didn’t maintain a very good lifestyle either. On his days off or if he didn’t start teaching until later in the day, he would wake up at lunch time. To wake up that late all the time, to me, tells me that there must have been either something physically or mentally wrong with him. It was probably also his laziness and misery that led him to wake up so late whenever he had the opportunity to do so. He was so inactive, which was completely different to my personality and just witnessing his misery and inactivity made me miserable too. If it were me, I would feel bad for wasting half my day. Furthermore, he would always wake up miserable. These were all warning signs that there was something not right about him.

He was also always complaining about being in physical pain. Everyday, he either had a headache, stomach ache, backache, leg ache – always something to complain about. I always told him to see a doctor as it was not normal but he never listened to me. In the end, I was sick and tired of always having to listen to his negativity, especially as he refused to do anything about it.

He was always stressed. He would stress over the tiniest of things and then blow up over it (most often at me). Whenever he saw a car drive into or out of the school carpark, he would stress. He always had to find out who it was. Perhaps he was in hiding? He knew every single car in the carpark and who they belonged to. Every time someone entered the building, he would be in panic mode and start stressing, and he would have to find out who it was. He seemed to need to know where everyone was at all times. There must be a reason for it. I think he must have been in hiding from either someone or some people.

Even the smallest of things would set him off. One time, I was talking to him about Beethoven’s Symphony No. 5 in C Minor and I described the piece as “orgasmic”. I never had to be careful with my words before I met him. Immediately after describing the symphony as “orgasmic”, his faced changed. His eyes opened wide and his head lunged forward and he exclaimed, “Eh!”, in a way that appeared as he was ready to blow up at me for describing a wonderful piece of music as “orgasmic”. I still describe Beethoven’s 5th as “orgasmic” and nobody can changed my opinion on that! But at the time, I apologised to Kevin and took what I said back just to keep the peace. On the other hand, at the beginning of the relationship, he mentioned to me that he had a friend who was a well-known harp player and singer. He described to me how he had discovered her. He said that the moment he heard her voice, it was the voice of an angel and he had to hear it again. If it were me who had said anything like that, I am certain that he would have exploded at me. He had huge double standards.

He would complain about absolutely everything. He complained about his life and his job. Even when there was no reason to complain, he would find a reason to complain. When he had hours at work, he would complain; when he did not have hours at work, he would also complain. I was so sick and tired of listening to him. He would complain that he never had time for anything, yet he was the biggest time waster on the planet. It was not that he did not have time for anything, he was just lazy and put everything off. But it was always easier for him to blame the fact that he did not have enough time. In fact, he had A LOT of time. The math is easy: the earliest he could start work was 08.30 and the latest he could finish work was 17.40 (except Tuesdays as there were evening classes). On top of that, lunch break was two hours long. He also often had some free periods during the day. On his days off, he would wake up at lunch time, and that would be the morning wasted. I even explained the math to him but he would get angry. It was his way of silencing me. He hated it when I caught him out. He just basically could not do anything in his life because of his severe laziness, but always had excuses for everything, no matter how pathetic his excuses were, and he would raise his voice to cover up his pathetic excuses. He could never be satisfied. Absolutely no one and nothing could satisfy him. That was because he did not want to be happy. He enjoyed playing the poor victim too much.

He was not proactive with his life. He could not manage his time nor his money but blamed others for it. He would even go as far as blaming an entire country for his problems. He hated Belgium and would blame Belgium for everything regarding his residential status, taxes, and even the state of the roads. However, I still don’t understand how he could blame Belgium for his residential status and taxes if he was in fact still a resident of France illegally. Whatever problems he had with his residential status were essentially his fault because he refused to become a legal Belgian resident (just because he did not like Belgium) even though he was supposed to as he was living and working in Belgium. So really he was in no position to blame an entire country for his problems, yet he still did regardless.

He never paid his car insurance bills on time and as a result, his insurance company did not want him anymore. But of course, he never blamed himself for not paying his bills on time. He blamed his insurance company for not wanting him and he blamed Belgium for his money problems.

His bank did not want to deal with him anymore either. He had his own personal banker whom he would constantly harass to deal with his money issues. (I don’t even know how he had his own personal banker!) One day, he sent the banker an email demanding the banker deal with his money issues. Kevin received quite a rude reply from the banker saying that he was now working in a different department and to never contact him again. I don’t know if this was true or if the banker was just sick and tired of dealing with Kevin. But I don’t blame the banker! Kevin was not furious at him – in fact, he spoke of his banker as if they were best mates. Probably to hide his embarrassment. However, Kevin was furious at his bank for not telling him that they had changed his personal banker. His new personal banker was a young woman. Right from the beginning, Kevin’s judgement of her was that she was young and therefore incompetent. He also implied that the fact that she was incompetent was because she was a woman although he never said this directly. He never said anything outright that would have directly labelled him as a misogynist but he always imply it. And he couldn’t help himself – his true self is a sick, misogynistic man who views women as worthless objects to be used and abused. Nevertheless, this banker apparently never responded to his calls or emails. Perhaps she had been warned by her colleague about him. He even complained to the bank that he was not getting the service he deserved. From what I understand, the bank did not do much about it either. I think Kevin must have had the reputation of the problem customer.

I always felt like I was teaching a little toddler the difference between right and wrong, except in this case, the toddler never learned.

And as I had previously said in Chapter 66, he always complained that I never complimented him. Even at the beginning of the relationship when I was giving him compliments, he still complained that he had never received any. On the other hand, all I ever got from him were criticisms. As the relationship progressed, I did eventually stop giving him compliments because there truly was nothing nice to say about him.

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