76. Affection (Or Lack Of)

Kevin never showed me any affection, particularly in private. And any affection I showed him would either go unnoticed or pushed away. Every time I tried to kiss him or hug him, it would go unreturned or it would feel like he was interested in doing something else, and that was usually going on the computer. Sometimes in public, such as when we would go out to eat with colleagues, he would show me a little bit of affection like looking at me a bit more. But behind closed doors, I was just a piece of decoration for his room. I was one of the many toys lying on the floor that he had become bored with. Every time he received a new present or bought something for himself, he would get so excited, play with it for a day, then throw it on the floor and never touch it again. And he treated his women in exactly the same way.

As I had explained in Chapter 2, at the beginning of the relationship, he complained to me that I was not showing him enough affection. Yet he was the one who never made any effort to show me any affection. He never kissed me. He never held my hand. He never said anything loving to me. When I confronted him about it, he would always divert it to how he couldn’t show affection whenever we were fighting. He was just diverting from the fact that he was too lazy show affection. He believed he was entitled to my affection and that he did not have to give any back. Always taking but never giving. It was all about him. Completely self-centred. He just wanted attention and for me to serve him. He thought he was king. But in reality, he was just a disgusting slob.

As I said mentioned in Chapter 47, he spent every evening apparently “teaching” on Skype. He did not take my feelings seriously when I told him that I was not happy that we were never spending evenings together. I said it was okay for him to teach this student but to consider not doing it every evening. We also needed some time together. Clearly, he never wanted to do any of the work in the relationship. He expected me to do all the work and give up everything for him. And if he did not think I was doing enough, he would yell at me. On the other hand, he never gave up anything for me. On days when he said that his student couldn’t make it, instead of spending time together, he would rather spend the time on the computer. The confusing part was that he kept telling me that he loved me and that he never wanted me to leave (both his room and the relationship) but at the same time, it did not seem like he enjoyed my presence. It did not feel like he wanted to be with me. He just wanted my gifts, my money and my attention. He wanted to use me. Why else would he want me around if he did not want to spend quality time with me? To him, being together meant that being there was enough. He would be physically next to me but always in a different world; either on the internet or on his phone. Always. At night, we never cuddled. His routine, whether or not he had to teach, was always that he would be on the computer, then take a long bath, go back on the computer, then go to bed. We had no intimacy. And the thought of spending time as a couple together never occurred to him. He did not understand the concept of a romantic relationship. He did not understand that a relationship requires work from both sides. I was just an object that he could use.

He was always encouraging me to read before sleep – but it’s not something I can do at night. I know that he did not suggest that I read because he thought it would be an interesting thing for me to do. Rather, he suggested it for his own benefit as he wanted to keep me occupied so that he could stay on the computer up until the early hours of the morning, which he did regardless.

When we love someone, we can’t help but have that deep look in our eyes. It’s an amazing feeling when someone gives that deep look. But with Kevin, I never saw that deep look in his eyes. Not even on our first date. And I don’t think I ever gave him that look either. I could see quite early on that there was something not quite right about him. I just could not put my finger on it.

When I raised the issue of us not spending time together, he would imply that I could never be satisfied as we were already in the same room together. But I told him that even though we were in the same room together, we were still in different worlds. His reaction would again be to accuse me of always wanting to start problems. A couple of times, he did decide to “spend time” with me. However, it came across as quite passive aggressive. He would emphasise that he was spending time with me and asked me what I wanted to do. I said that we did not necessarily have to do anything. We could just chat and cuddle. To me, these little things are what matter. Couples don’t always have to be doing an activity. Yet his response was,

“Well, you wanted me to spend time with you and I’m spending time with you but you don’t want to do anything.”

Because he was incapable of loving, he couldn’t see that cuddling and chatting and just spending time together are the best things any couple can have. For him, he saw a relationship as two people physically together and that was it. He couldn’t feel nor even imagine love. And that was why he always wanted my constant physical presence but nothing more. He did not understand that a relationship requires work from both sides.

Whenever I was sick, I could feel glee coming from him. He took the opportunity to lock himself in his room and do whatever he was always doing every night. It was great for him because he did not need to search for convincing excuses to not be with me, he would just tell me that I was sick and that I needed to be in my room. There was nothing sincere about him. He did not care about my well-being. He never cared about my well-being. It was always about him. He was pure evil. And even that does not quite describe the extent of his maliciousness. His disgusting smirk is more than what words can describe.

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