77. Sex

Sex was non-existent, and even when we did have sex, it was just the act. There was no love involved. Kevin was always in another world. We never kissed. We never had foreplay. It was just straight into it, even if I was not physically ready. Every time we had sex, it was always such a chore for him and sometimes we would not even finish sex as he would complain that he was tired half way through. This happened quite frequently. It was like he was in a race to finish so that he could go back onto the computer. And that was what always happened. As soon as sex was over, he would go straight back onto the computer to read the news. We never cuddled after – and that was what I craved. I was craving to be loved. I was always telling myself that if a person really loved me, he would cuddle me, he would show me affection, he would kiss me, he would want to spend time with me, he would want to look at me. I would lie in bed watching Kevin browse the internet. And yet, I was not allowed to be absent. My presence had to be there, but it would be ignored.


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