Kevin read a lot of books about the psychology, specifically the inner-child. Since the start of the relationship, he often talked to me about the inner-child, reflected on his own inner-child and then imposed his findings from his readings onto me to try to explain what was wrong with me. I know I’m not perfect, but he was the only person in my life to have ever told me that there was something wrong with me. What others have complemented me on, he has criticised. And this caused a lot of confusion in me.
Throughout the relationship, I spent a lot of time on the internet trying to find explanations for his behaviour, which in itself is already a red flag. I was open to him about this but he would always say, “You always have to put labels on people, don’t you?” In fact, no, I was not looking to put a label on him. I was trying to find an explanation for his behaviour. And when I explained this to him, he said that I should have just asked him instead of resorting to the internet. What a joke! As if he could explain his behaviour to me. Was he going to say that he needed to put me down to make himself feel better? Was he going to say that he needed me to give up on myself to serve him? To satisfy his hunger for attention and sympathy? Was he going to say that he needed me for my money? I don’t think so. He was afraid that I was going to find the truth out about him. And I did, despite it taking a year and a half out of my life.
After I had left him, I read a very insightful book by Lundy Bancroft called “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men”¹. During the couple of weak attempts in which Kevin tried to hoover me back after I left him for the final time, I sent him excerpts of the book that precisely described aspects of him that I had tried so hard to explain to him about. He was getting angry and I believe that it was because he could not handle being confronted with the truth. He called it “cheap psychology” and said that everything written in the book could be applied to me as well. It’s funny how he hadn’t even read the book and could come to such a conclusion. Isn’t it ironic how the psychology books he read were so wonderful that he thought he could be my psychologist, yet the psychology books and articles I read were considered “cheap psychology”? I believe he was aware of exactly what he was doing and that he was starting to panic about my discovery. If he was not aware, then why would he only behave like this in private? He clearly knows where the line is drawn otherwise he would not have pretended to act like a good person in front of others.
He also told me that he used to see a psychologist before he met me and that after reading a section of one of his inner-child books, he came to some sort of realisation about himself, and he admitted to me that he used to distort what he had said to his psychologist. He said that he would tell the psychologist things that would make the psychologist perceive him in the way he wanted to be perceived. I don’t know how much of this was true and whether he even went to see a psychologist. If he did, I’m certain that it would not have been for the purpose of changing himself, but rather, to get validation from the psychologist that he was a victim which he could then use against other people.
¹ Bancroft, L. (2003). Why does he do that? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. New York: Berkley Books.