84. Taking On His Traits: Mirroring

When I was with Kevin, I felt that I had changed in a way that I had begun to take on his traits. When he was with his female friends, I had become somewhat controlling. Not because I was worried of what he might do. I trusted him in that sense at the time. (Although now, I realise nothing about him could ever be trusted. His words were meaningless.) But because he was controlling with over who I interacted with and I felt that it was completely unjust and double standards that he thought that he could hang out with his female friends until late at night and not allow me to even have any friends of my own.

I was also always waiting on him. He seemed to believe that my time revolved around his time and I would get angry because he would never be on time to anything that related to me. Then he would make me feel like I was being controlling of his time when all I wanted was for him to stick to his words.

Other times, I tried to give him a taste of his own poison. I would stoop down to his level and behave like him. However, that never worked as it would just back fire. For example, I would sulk and present myself as really insecure about his behaviour in the exact same way he did to my so-called “bad behaviour”. However, he would use it against me and point out the fault in my reaction when in fact I was only mirroring his reactions. So obviously even in his own eyes, his behaviour was unacceptable, yet it was perfectly acceptable when it was coming from himself. He believed he was entitled to push other people’s boundaries but nobody could touch his boundaries. And this was the double standards that drove me crazy because he refused to see it.

Whenever he spoke ill of his friends, sometimes I did the same by agreeing with what he said. Looking back, I feel like the reason I did this was because I was always trying to please him so I was always on his side no matter what. I could also feel that he would not have taken it very well at all had I defended his friends and not backed him up. I know he would have raged at me for not being a loyal girlfriend by not supporting him. As I had previously mentioned, I was not allowed my own views and opinions. However, when I did make bad comments about his friends, he would then use it against me by either saying that I was a negative person and that I was the problem, or I’m certain that he would have used it as part of the smear campaign against me. This has been a huge learning curve for me to trust my own opinions and to not allow myself to be intimidated by others when I do express my own views; to not force myself to agree with others if I don’t feel I agree with them; and to listen to my heart.

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