When I was in Singapore, just before I left Kevin for the final time, he said that he wanted to move here with me. Half of me was telling myself that I did not want to continue a relationship like this anymore. But at the same time, the other half of me was saying that well maybe if he could get a good job here, things may change and he would become a different person. I said the same thing about Spain. I had given him too many chances but at the same time, I was so weak. I had never felt so weak emotionally in my life but now I realise that it was the traumatic bonding (Chapter 94) and the gaslighting creating this massive confusion in my head. I should have known clearly that I should never have put up with someone like this. I had said it all my life!
I knew very well that if Kevin moved to Singapore, it would be exactly like Spain all over again. I would be the one expected to finance everything and pay for everything up front that was meant to be for the two of us to split. He would continue to be my burden. He would continue to live off me for free. He would continue to not care about the effort I put in, shout at me, patronise me and believe that he was entitled.
I had a conversation with him about him moving to Singapore and I mentioned how expensive rent was. I then mentioned that to rent, there was a two month deposit that needed to be paid up front as well as the first month’s rent. I said that after all the moving and all the money spent in the last six months, this was going to be another hole in the pocket for me. His response disgusted me. He had the guts to suggest that my mother could help pay for it. Who the hell does he think he is thinking he could just put his hands in my mother’s pocket so freely like that? He did not even think to offer his own help considering he was the one wanting to move in with me. He just stayed silent. I felt like he was just so used to relying on people financially that it became a habit and he did not see that it was a problem. Rather, he saw that relying on people financially as his solution. Not only has he borrowed from me, he has borrowed from his bank, his employer and from a student of his. Had he moved to Singapore, it would have been like Spain all over again, except this time, I did not fall for it.